My main purpose of writing this blog post is to express the pain and uncertainty I’ve experienced. In the past, I ignored my feelings and what I was going through. I never wanted to speak up about how I felt. What I failed to realize was the excruciating amount of pain I was putting myself through. The more emotions I held in, the more I began to fill like an empty bottle full of stories. This post comes from a place of bitterness, anxiety and sadness. Yet, also consolation, peace and freedom. I’m not asking for apologies or sympathy, but I want to share the uncertainty and pain I’ve endured, so others know that they’re not alone.
As hard as it is to share, there were so many moments of uncertainty on whether or not I wanted to live. Constant feelings of wanting to give up so badly. Wanting to give up came from feeling misunderstood or not understood at all. Feeling as if I was stranded on an island with no one knowing. And it was easy to have uncertainties in wanting to live or not No matter where I my thoughts of uncertainty would be there. But those thoughts of uncertainty went beyond choosing between life and death. There was the uncertainty of knowing if people would care if I was gone or not. The fact that I had to debate with myself whether or not I meant something to others is what made the uncertainty even greater.
Growing up and constantly feeling nothing is something that is still hard for me to grasp. How was I physically here, but at the same time not there. As if I were slowly sinking into a self-induced coma. No one realizing that even though I’m not really there. There were so many instances where I wanted to feel something so badly but didn’t. Waiting for someone to ask if I was okay and realize the triggered “I’m okay” and “yeah I’m fine” was an automated answer. No one made the realization. So instead of reaching out and seeking for help, I stayed. Despite wanting so badly to become that butterfly who finally breaks out of the cocoon and discovers its true self I stayed. Stayed in a state of numbness without understanding why.
The constant feeling of uncertainty and pain are things no one should have to live on repeat. All I ever wanted throughout my childhood, and even now for that matter, was to be heard and understood. One of my biggest mistakes in searching for someone to empathize with what I was going through and what I felt was that I never empathized with myself. Not once did I attempt to understand why I felt the way I felt. I never told myself it was okay to feel. Feel angry or upset about things that went on that you shouldn’t have to worry about at certain ages. Happy about accomplishments I worked hard for. Instead, I disposed of my feelings and became that empty bottle full of stories I never shared.
I’ve learned so much about myself in the past year. I’m no longer in a place of uncertainty. While I may have feelings of numbness here and there, I know that I’m strong enough to overcome them. I know that through my ongoing battle of depression and anxiety that I am loved by so many around me. I am with someone who understands the battles that I go through personally and his understanding alone makes a tremendous difference.
My biggest accomplishment of them all is that I stopped seeking empathy from those around me and granted it to myself. That’s not to say that having empathy from others doesn’t matter. But I have learned who I am as a person by exploring and discovering what truly makes me happy. And most importantly I’ve learned that it’s okay to not be okay. Yell when you feel the need to. Cry in the most random moments. Sing the lyrics to your favorite song in the middle moment. Feel EVERY emotion possible because once I did, I found a new sense of freedom.
Gone is the girl who once was that empty bottle scared to share her stories. Born again is a butterfly who outgrew her cocoon and transitioned into who she was meant to be all along.